A Silent Christmas
by SpikeBuffyTryst
Summary: A Christmas fic centered around Buffy & Spike. He's still crazy after getting his soul back and Buffy is actually nice to him.


Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon & Co.  
  
Title: "A Silent Christmas"  
  
Author & Feedback: Trish @ obsessed_spike_freak_02@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: G  
  
Characters: Buffy/Spike  
  
Season: 7 up till "Sleepers" however it's Christmas, which hasn't  
  
happened on "BtVS" yet. So Christmas has come a little early in terms  
  
of the episodes and so this would basically take place in  
  
between "Sleepers" & "Never Leave Me".  
  
Summary: It's Christmas day.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Buffy sat at the dining room table and carefully wrapped Christmas presents. It was four o'clock and everyone else was asleep; Dawn and Willow upstairs and Spike on the couch. Buffy smiled as she wrapped the last gift and set it with the others. She put away the tape and scissors before gathering all the gifts into her arms. Buffy walked silently into the living room, careful not to wake the sleeping vampire. She placed the gifts quietly and carefully under the Christmas tree. After she was done, Buffy sat in the chair and watched Spike sleep.  
  
Spike's eyes fluttered under closed eyelids, a sure sign that he was dreaming. His chest was silent and unmoving, as vampires did not need to breathe even while asleep. Spike was lying on his side curled in a fetal position. Buffy stared at him, wondering what he was  
  
dreaming about. The expression on his face told her it wasn't a very good dream. She stood silently and walked over to him. Buffy knelt on the floor beside him and looked him over once more. He looked so innocent when he slept and she could remember last year when she would lay awake and do just that. She remembered being happy when she was with him. Somewhere deep down inside she wanted to take him into her arms like she had done before. Only now she wanted to tell him everything would be okay, instead of him telling her.  
  
But she couldn't. She also knew deep down that she would not be able to do that for quite sometime because things had changed and they weren't the same as before. Whether she wanted to or not, she knew she couldn't, not right now, and she wasn't all that sure if she ever  
  
could. She sighed quietly as she shook the memories away and brushed a piece of hair that had fallen in her face. Spike's eyes fluttered more quickly and Buffy feared she had woken him. How would she explain to her ex- lover her reason for being so close to him? He was  
  
already so confused and troubled that she did not want to add to it if she could help it. Buffy silently stood and walked over to the stairs. She paused and turned back toward him. A small smile formed on her lips before she walked up the stairs to bed.  
  
*****  
  
Spike woke and sat up rubbing his eyes. After regaining some sense of where he was, Spike stood and walked into the kitchen. Everything was quiet downstairs, but he could hear water running, hair dryers, and music coming from upstairs. Spike tried to get the voices in his head to be quiet, but to no avail he could not. The voices screamed at him and called him names. He silently pleaded and begged them once again to stop. His head felt as if it would explode. Spike warmed a cup of blood and took a drink, hoping it would sooth his nerves. He stared outside at the bright sunlight. The voices screamed at him to just walk out the door and end it all. Spike sat his cup down on the kitchen island and walked slowly over to the door  
  
heading outside. The voices became louder and louder, encouraging him to step into the light.  
  
-----  
  
Buffy finished putting on her makeup and walked downstairs to get ready to begin the 'orgy of greed', formally known as Christmas. Buffy liked Christmas, even though it would still be hard without her mom being there to celebrate with them. She walked quietly into the living room and stopped suddenly when she found Spike was nowhere to be seen. Buffy's heart raced as she looked around. The blanket Spike had been covered with was lying on the floor and one end had been torn.  
  
Buffy's mind began to wander and imagine the worst as she ran into the kitchen calling Spike's name. His cup was still on the island and the blood inside was still relatively warm. She sat the cup down as her eyes darted around the kitchen. They finally fell upon the back door, which was opened slightly. Buffy found herself unable to breathe as she stepped closer to the door. Buffy started to think the worst: Spike had stepped outside and burst into ashes, killing himself. Buffy remembered the year Angel returned with his soul and thanks to the First Evil; he attempted to kill himself on Christmas Eve. The difference here, however, was that if Spike decided to do the same was that it was daylight and snow wasn't going to help.  
  
Buffy shook the thoughts from her head faster than they had arrived. She felt her knees go weak as she let herself slide to the floor.  
  
Buffy did not want Spike to die. True she did not love him, but she still felt something deep down for him, even though she told herself she could never act on them ever again. Buffy closed her eyes, fighting back the tears that were trying so hard to get free. Her emotions ranged from anger and frustration that Spike would leave her alone, and for a few seconds even happiness. However all those feelings were last compared to the overwhelming sadness she felt. Buffy rested her head against the door and let the tears come down freely. There were more than she expected as she wiped them from her face. Then as if it were meant to happen, something caught her eye.  
  
She stood quickly and walked over to the coat rack when she realized that Spike's leather duster and a throw blanket were missing. Buffy raced outside and called out for him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Buffy rushed back inside and grabbed her jacket off the chair and ran to look for Spike.  
  
*****  
  
Spike's skin was on fire as he ran through the cemetery to the church. Spike did not feel any physical pain because his emotional pain was too overwhelming as he made his way through the gravestones to his destination. The voices were still screaming, cursing, and  
  
damning him so loudly that they woke the monster within him. William's cries and pleads could be heard once more for them to stop, but once again they refused and now the monster was yelling at him. Spike reached the church and scrambled up the stairs and through the large, heavy doors. The blanket fell from his hands once he was inside. His hands were burnt, but he paid no attention them or the pain as he sat in the darkest corner he could find. Spike was as  
  
silent and as still as a statue, in hopes it would calm the voices.  
  
-----  
  
Buffy ran through the cemetery calling Spike's name. She hoped he was still alive so she could yell at him for running away in broad daylight. She also hoped that he hadn't hurt anyone including himself. She didn't know why she was going to the church, but it just felt like she was drawn there. Buffy's mind drifted back to the night, months ago, when she found out Spike had gotten his soul back. It was there in that very church he had told her. She  
  
remembered how afraid and tormented he had been that night to tell her. Buffy silently prayed that Spike was inside and okay as she reached the church steps.  
  
Buffy walked inside the church and called out Spike's name. She made her way deeper into the room, her eyes taking in her surroundings. Her Slayer senses peaked as she concentrated on the sounds around her. On her right, sat a small mouse looking for food. It scurried away upon realizing she was there. Buffy's senses picked up the scent of a vampire and she walked in the direction from where it was emanating. Her heart was relieved when she made out his form in the darkest corner of the room. She approached him cautiously and  
  
quietly. She pushed all of her emotions to the side as she knelt down in front of him.  
  
Spike looked up at Buffy, his eyes full of pain and confusion. She tried to look behind all that to see his soul. So many times before she found herself getting lost in those same sparkling blue eyes. Now she couldn't get passed all the pain they held. Spike shifted  
  
his gave to the floor as a single tear escaped and fell. He was both happy and ashamed to see her. Buffy, his one true love, kneeling before him. He tried to say something, but the words would not come to his lips. He had no voice and even if he did, he wasn't sure what he would say. As he looked back up at her, he saw a look of concern in her features.  
  
Buffy held her hand up to his face and hesitated to touch it at first. Then she gently cupped his right cheek and caressed his face with her thumb. Spike was surprised by her actions and almost pulled away. She whispered to him as he closed his eyes and wept. He  
  
wanted her to hold him in her arms, but he knew she never would, not for a long time, if ever again. She sat fully beside him now and put both hands to his face and with her thumbs, brushed away his tears. This time neither of them flinched or pulled back from each other.  
  
Spike knew this small kind act was taking a lot from Buffy. He knew she wasn't ready to forgive him for what he did and he knew she didn't want him back and he knew even if she did, he didn't deserve it. Her act, however small that it was, meant the world to him.  
  
Spike put his hands on hers, pulling them from his face, and looked into her eyes. He stared so deeply, Buffy thought he would burn a hole right through her. She did not flinch when he touched her hands, not even when he hesitantly reached up and gently caressed her face. She let herself close her eyes and did not open them until his hands left her completely. Once again she found him would tightly in a ball weeping, her heart went out to him once again.  
  
She rested a hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him over to her and he laid his head in her lap and continued to silently cry. Buffy found herself stroking his hair and gently soothing his shaking body. Buffy let out a small silent sigh as she leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes. Spike's body slowly stopped shaking and she realized he was no longer weeping, but was void of all movements and sounds. She continued to caress his face and brush his dishelved hair from his eyes. Buffy then silently wished him a Merry Christmas as she gently bent down and kissed his forehead softly. Buffy once again rested her head back against the wall and drifted off to sleep, somehow, somewhere deep down content to be spending her  
  
Christmas day with him, just as they were.  
  
The End 


End file.
